Narcissism

I think the hardest adjustment a new parent has to make when bringing a baby home from the hospital is learning how to live with a narcissist. Some of the most self-centered people I know, quite frankly, are babies. Sure, when they’re new to the neighborhood they deserve a proper welcome. I say give them a home-cooked meal or one of those Hickory Farms gift baskets. That should suffice. But really…day after day, night after night attending to their every whim with nary a thank you?

Bottom line – we’re all born selfish.  It’s not until eighteen months that we start to see the transformation from narcissism into humor, empathy and wisdom. Which, let’s face it, as a parent, is a whole lot more gratifying than a thank you card.

But just because humans are created with the potential to become empathetic doesn’t mean it always happens. An estimated 6.2% of the US population demonstrates what is identified as narcissistic behavior. Let me put it this way…there are twice as many narcissists in this country than redheads!

For anyone in a close relationship with a narcissist the future can look awfully bleak. That’s because a narcissist needs to recognize his or her own fallibility to end the narcissism - but the nature of the narcissist is such that he can’t recognize his own fallibility. Huh? Now what?

For me, I think the answer is accepting who they are… and then loving them from afar…like China. You probably won’t change them. And let’s face it, just because this person has some redeeming qualities, doesn’t mean you have to spend your life enduring their arrogant and hurtful behaviors.

Don’t get me wrong…we all enjoy receiving affirmation from people. And we all need a certain amount of recognition to inspire us. But at what point does it become dangerous and exploitive to others? When the need becomes compulsive and unscrupulous.

I am exploring the subject of narcissism in light of the Bill Cosby scandal. I am fascinated by the public’s reaction to the newly exposed narcissism of such a beloved member of our celebrity culture. There are a lot of angry fans out there. Bill Cosby’s audience feels taken advantage of, disrespected, duped. We were sold an image… a façade of light undoubtedly created by his psyche (and his press agent) to compensate for the darkness of his reality. But we bought into the image. Was that naïve of us? Should we learn to be more skeptical about people and their motives? Or do we, with noble defiance, hold tight to a faith in the goodness of people?

I suppose we all have to answer that as individuals from our own experiences dealing with the darker side of humanity. For me, perhaps it’s a little bit of both. On one hand, letting go of some naïveté might prove beneficial. As would taking more time to recognize and value the good inside myself, so I won’t feel the need to project goodness onto a person I don’t even know.

On the other hand, like the new parent, I can’t help but maintain some belief that our children are inherently good, until proven otherwise.