Happy New Year, Saboteur!
Many of my coaching clients come to their last session in December wanting to talk about resolutions and how to make changes in the New Year. I respond by asking the client to leave the room. No, really. I instruct my client to wait outside and send in their “Saboteur” instead. You know, the self-judge we all have. That powerful, internal voice that tries to convince us we’re not good enough and gets in the way when we want to make positive changes.
Seconds later, the Saboteur enters the room (cleverly donned as my client) acting a bit on edge. It tells me we have to keep it short because New Years is a very busy season for Saboteurs, with resolutions to discourage and promises to hinder. I invite it to sit, assuring it that it is welcome and that I just want to get to know it.
I can see it relax…a little. I ask the Saboteur what exactly calls it forth. It tells me that whenever my client takes the initiative to illicit change in his life, an alarm sounds, waking the Saboteur from its slumber. I ask the Saboteur what it is most fond of saying to my client. It tells me it uses whatever manipulation the moment calls for. Examples? “You’re not good enough,” “It’s too hard,” “It won’t work anyway,” “You can do it later,” “You’re fine the way you are,” “It’s too scary,” “ You might get hurt,” “You don’t deserve it” … Whatever angle it knows will be most triggering. And how does it know what triggers my client? Well, the Saboteur explains to me that it’s known him for a very long time. Yes, they go way back.
I ask the Saboteur what it is trying to accomplish with all its negativity. Its tough exterior softens. It quietly confesses that all it really wants to do is protect my client from danger, loss of relationship, and a catastrophe of some kind. It’s there to keep him from taking potentially unsafe risks. “I understand,” I say. “But you are most commonly overcautious at times that call for great risk, for the sake of positive change! And it’s very CONFUSING because when you recite an old litany of judgment, rules and limiting beliefs, my client actually hates you and trusts you at the same time! Making my job very difficult!”
The Saboteur pauses, deciding whether or not to admit something to me. “I fear that if I take a vacation, I’ll be forgotten. I’ll be out of a job.” “No,” I counter. “My client needs you. Sometimes your voice gives him instruction, or reminds him of past scenarios he may have chosen to forget. Sometimes you actually challenge him to commit to something. The harder he pushes against you the more committed he becomes to the change he’s trying to make.” It seems as if I’ve struck a chord.
As a rule, I never let any of my clients’ saboteurs leave before asking their name. If my clients are going to live with these Saboteurs, they should know exactly with whom they are dealing. I’ve met quite a host of colorful characters in my office around the New Year…Captain Inertia, Lady Nit Picky, Madam Martyrdom, Dr. Did It Wrong, Sir Never Satisfied, to name a few.
Finally, I thank the Saboteur for coming in and I tell it how I see its future relationship with my client. I suggest that up until now it has loved my client with fear. And fear stifles life and gets in the way of fulfillment and our freedom to complete ourselves. I suggest we re-negotiate the relationship a bit. And I suggest that it put out an all points bulletin to all Saboteurs the world over, from me. “Lead with love! Help us remember lessons we’ve learned in our past so we don’t have to learn the same lesson over and over again! And as long as all you Saboteurs out there approach us with a healthy sense of safety that doesn’t hinder or control us, none of you will be out of a job.”
Satisfied, the saboteur and I ask the client to come back into the room and the three of us toast to the New Year.
